Kodaikanal: Getting Close to Nature
Kodaikanal is the most superb hill station in the Western Ghats in Tamil Nadu: a welcome relief from the hustle and bustle (actually let’s be honest, the ‘crap’) of Chennai. In the hills you can walk freely around the town without being harassed by auto-rickshaws and shop assistants we have been feasting on nuts and fruits and are positively happy. We have never been this close to nature before...
1) When monkeys’ Attack
(alternative titles: ‘Lonely Planet of the Apes’; ‘So long, Donkey Kong’; ‘Bubble’s Revenge (Who’s Bad?)’; ‘Monkey See, Monkey Spew’; ‘India has drop bears too’)
A: Awww, aren’t those monkeys sitting on the wall cute?
G: Yeah, look at the little baby one, it’s eating a mango.
A: Oh well, we’ll just walk up passed them up to breakfast
EM [evil monkey]: GRRR! Hisss! Grrrr! [translation: bugger off; none shall pass; but you do look very tasty.]
[monkey throws itself at Aussies, fangs out; Aussies run off and lock themselves in their room. Repeat x 2]
A [on telephone]: umm, reception? This may sound a little strange, but we can’t leave the room as monkeys keep attacking us. Can you please send help?
R [reception]: Yes madam [said nonchalantly as if this thing happens all the time]
G: let’s just have one last try
[A and G walk outside towards the steps and are relieved to see no monkeys, only to have one rather aggressive monkey jump two metres off a tree and land on a powerline one metre over our heads.]
EM: Grrrrrr! Hissss! Spitt [translation: I’ve told you before, bugger off tasty morsels; hope you’ve had your rabies shot]
[A and G run back into room. Man with stick for monkey removal arrives. We are saved. Yay! Much amusement amongst staff]
Hear no evil, so no evil, my arse! Those monkeys are the devil incarnate.
2)Kingfisher(s)
Beautiful little blue kingfisher birds fly around Kodaikanal Lake, and we have been lucky enough to have seen two of them so far. But we have also been having encounters of another kind of kingfisher as well: Kingfisher Beer. That delicious amber liquid that comes in king-brown bottles and costs $3 each, and in the Calton Hotel (the only pub for 1000 kilometres) you get snacks too for that price. But the reason why we wanted to comment on the Kingfisher Beer is the label. It reads: “Kingfisher Premium: Since 1857…. Liquor ruins Country, Family and Life.” And when we looked at the door to the pub, the door too had “Alcohol ruins Country, Family and Life” printed on the saloon-like doors. So we thought, wouldn’t Kingfisher Beer be the ultimate weapon in times of war? All you need to do is to lob a few over the border, and sit back and watch.
3) The Cattle Grid
So if cows are sacred, then why are there so many cattle-grids preventing the bovis sacra from wandering around freely? We have two theories on the matter. A) cows are like cats and b) cow are anarchists; and humans have clicked on.
a) Cow are like cats
Cows take advantage of human generosity (no offence Burby the cat of Como, who will no doubt be currently sunning himself on the couch surrounded by delicacies of a feline nature which he will subsequently remove when a human gets home and pretend to be hungry.) Cows, like cats, see human weakness and take advantage of it. The other day we saw a cow family having a picnic on the lawn by the lake, and taking up most of the park, but no-one had the heart to move them on. People are very obliging with the cows, leaving them food and water around the place. To quote John Berryman, but making it a bit more bovine, “Cows have no bankers, and do not drink, and cannot be arrested, and pay no taxes, and in general, cows have it made.” (taken from the Dreamsongs; Bats have been substituted). But humans have clicked on somewhat, and around Kodaikanal you see many cattle grids preventing our bovine friends from walking into shops, home driveways and churches. You see there is nothing worse that not being able to hear the sermon because the cow next to you is chewing cud loudly.
b) Cows are anarchists
Having just argued that cows are cats, let’s continue with this theme and explore the notion that cows are anarchists. Cows walk purposefully in the middle of the road to stop traffic. Radio announcement: “Its bumper to bumper cows on Kodaikanal road. Pure grid-lock.” They stand there and mooo at the top of their lungs, and people think that they are stupid, loud animals (but with religious significance) but in fact they are plotting world domination. They have a control centre which they are in fact communicating with, and if we translate the cow [lingua bovium] then it in fact says, “Daisy, central control says that we are to move slightly to the right to prevent the bus getting though.” To which the reply is “thanks Clarabella, I have already strategically placed a few patties and will move presently.”
The only problem with this theory is that we are not sure what anarchists aim at doing in India. The normal definition seems to already be in place, with a decided lack of infrastructure, police, road rules, medical facilities and any other form of government control. So perhaps the cows succeeded in their anarchist endeavours long ago and are merely maintaining it.
4) the quest for Cows with views
Fiona dared us to photograph cows, and we just thought that it was too easy. So we upped the bet: we have to find cows with views. Cows grazing on cliffs was a particularly easy one, and we are hoping that no one practices cow-tipping here.
These will be seen on Flickr soon, once we increase our collection….
1) When monkeys’ Attack
(alternative titles: ‘Lonely Planet of the Apes’; ‘So long, Donkey Kong’; ‘Bubble’s Revenge (Who’s Bad?)’; ‘Monkey See, Monkey Spew’; ‘India has drop bears too’)
A: Awww, aren’t those monkeys sitting on the wall cute?
G: Yeah, look at the little baby one, it’s eating a mango.
A: Oh well, we’ll just walk up passed them up to breakfast
EM [evil monkey]: GRRR! Hisss! Grrrr! [translation: bugger off; none shall pass; but you do look very tasty.]
[monkey throws itself at Aussies, fangs out; Aussies run off and lock themselves in their room. Repeat x 2]
A [on telephone]: umm, reception? This may sound a little strange, but we can’t leave the room as monkeys keep attacking us. Can you please send help?
R [reception]: Yes madam [said nonchalantly as if this thing happens all the time]
G: let’s just have one last try
[A and G walk outside towards the steps and are relieved to see no monkeys, only to have one rather aggressive monkey jump two metres off a tree and land on a powerline one metre over our heads.]
EM: Grrrrrr! Hissss! Spitt [translation: I’ve told you before, bugger off tasty morsels; hope you’ve had your rabies shot]
[A and G run back into room. Man with stick for monkey removal arrives. We are saved. Yay! Much amusement amongst staff]
Hear no evil, so no evil, my arse! Those monkeys are the devil incarnate.
2)Kingfisher(s)
Beautiful little blue kingfisher birds fly around Kodaikanal Lake, and we have been lucky enough to have seen two of them so far. But we have also been having encounters of another kind of kingfisher as well: Kingfisher Beer. That delicious amber liquid that comes in king-brown bottles and costs $3 each, and in the Calton Hotel (the only pub for 1000 kilometres) you get snacks too for that price. But the reason why we wanted to comment on the Kingfisher Beer is the label. It reads: “Kingfisher Premium: Since 1857…. Liquor ruins Country, Family and Life.” And when we looked at the door to the pub, the door too had “Alcohol ruins Country, Family and Life” printed on the saloon-like doors. So we thought, wouldn’t Kingfisher Beer be the ultimate weapon in times of war? All you need to do is to lob a few over the border, and sit back and watch.
3) The Cattle Grid
So if cows are sacred, then why are there so many cattle-grids preventing the bovis sacra from wandering around freely? We have two theories on the matter. A) cows are like cats and b) cow are anarchists; and humans have clicked on.
a) Cow are like cats
Cows take advantage of human generosity (no offence Burby the cat of Como, who will no doubt be currently sunning himself on the couch surrounded by delicacies of a feline nature which he will subsequently remove when a human gets home and pretend to be hungry.) Cows, like cats, see human weakness and take advantage of it. The other day we saw a cow family having a picnic on the lawn by the lake, and taking up most of the park, but no-one had the heart to move them on. People are very obliging with the cows, leaving them food and water around the place. To quote John Berryman, but making it a bit more bovine, “Cows have no bankers, and do not drink, and cannot be arrested, and pay no taxes, and in general, cows have it made.” (taken from the Dreamsongs; Bats have been substituted). But humans have clicked on somewhat, and around Kodaikanal you see many cattle grids preventing our bovine friends from walking into shops, home driveways and churches. You see there is nothing worse that not being able to hear the sermon because the cow next to you is chewing cud loudly.
b) Cows are anarchists
Having just argued that cows are cats, let’s continue with this theme and explore the notion that cows are anarchists. Cows walk purposefully in the middle of the road to stop traffic. Radio announcement: “Its bumper to bumper cows on Kodaikanal road. Pure grid-lock.” They stand there and mooo at the top of their lungs, and people think that they are stupid, loud animals (but with religious significance) but in fact they are plotting world domination. They have a control centre which they are in fact communicating with, and if we translate the cow [lingua bovium] then it in fact says, “Daisy, central control says that we are to move slightly to the right to prevent the bus getting though.” To which the reply is “thanks Clarabella, I have already strategically placed a few patties and will move presently.”
The only problem with this theory is that we are not sure what anarchists aim at doing in India. The normal definition seems to already be in place, with a decided lack of infrastructure, police, road rules, medical facilities and any other form of government control. So perhaps the cows succeeded in their anarchist endeavours long ago and are merely maintaining it.
4) the quest for Cows with views
Fiona dared us to photograph cows, and we just thought that it was too easy. So we upped the bet: we have to find cows with views. Cows grazing on cliffs was a particularly easy one, and we are hoping that no one practices cow-tipping here.
These will be seen on Flickr soon, once we increase our collection….
posted by aligrae | 11:31 am
1 Comments:
Ali, I thought travel writing was a fatigued genre but you are a stand-out. So funny and vivid. Now I guess I have made you self-conscious but KEEP IT UP I love it.
Graeme, I am still forwarding notices of scholarships etc. LMK if I can facilitate anything, ring anyone up, whatever
j
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